Lucy's First Day of "School"

Before Lucy was born I had originally planned on returning to my job as a seventh-grade English teacher. I had looked at one daycare before she was born. After she was born I continued my search. The summer went by and time was running out. I looked at home daycares, big daycare centers and also explored the possibility of a nanny. There was a big center that seemed okay, but it was in the almost windowless basement of the old arsenal - and it was around $1,600 a month. More than half my salary would be gone. There was a home daycare blocks away from us and on my visit the woman showed me "the viewing animals" for the kids. Okay, snakes and lizards were not exactly what I was seeking for the care of my twelve-week old infant. Then there was the "musical nanny" who brought her flute to the interview. When I asked her how she would calm Lucy during one of her colicky, endless crying jags, she said she'd play the flute. Right.

It wasn't that I had always dreamed of being a stay-at-home Mom. I loved my new teaching career. I just couldn't trust anyone to take care of her, not yet. So MIchael and I decided that the best decision for everyone would be for me to stay home. Of course this meant that buying a house would be put on hold, but for the price of being the one to take care of the goose I was willing to pay. The first year of Lucy's life passed, sleep was still a thing of the distant past. Eventually around the time Lucy was around six or seven months old her refulx induced colic seemed to be subsiding and we could leave the house without her screaming her head off the whole time. It was hard being home, Lucy was so used to me being with her all the time she didn't take well to not being right by my side. There were days when I wondered if she would have been better off in daycare. Would she be less clingy and more independent? There were days when I wanted to pour my coffee in a mug to go and head off to work just like Michael.

The next school year approached and I was thinking of going back to work. Lucy was fifteen months old and enjoyed being around other kids. I looked around at daycares again. On one tour I saw a little girl at the playground standing at the gate crying and crying and just saying, "Mommy," over and over. Everyone totally ignored her, they moved her out of the way so Lucy and I could check out the playground. "It is her first week," they explained. That sealed the deal, I just couldn't do it. She was fifteen months and would have been fine, but again I just couldn't.

As the next year passed I got pregnant and we got ready for Josh. Lucy and I explored the world. We went to the library, took music classes, staked our claim on the playground. She was up for adventures and learning. As a toddler she was not content to sit at home. She liked being out and being busy. After her second birthday she seemed ready to explore the world without me. After we made it through the blur of a summer with an infant and a toddler, I signed her up for a drop-off playgroup at the YMCA one day a week for two hours. I told her she was going to "school" and she was excited. I explained that Mommy wasn't allowed to stay. She mulled it over and would one second be fine with the idea and then the next tell me I had to stay because it was the law.

Today we geared up and I walked her to her classroom. Lucy walked in, saw the little plastic indoor slide and started playing. I actually had to call her name several times to say goodbye. I guess she was fine with me leaving. I dropped Josh off at the babysitting and actually worked out. I listened to grown up music really loud. I had two hours free of worrying about what would set off the next meltdown or naughty business. When the time came I picked up Josh who was happily drooling on one of the babysitters and then stood outside of Lucy's classroom and watched my little girl without her knowing. She was busy bringing things to and from the teacher. She made a Play Doh concoction in the play kitchen and went down the slide. She had a big smile on and her happy spring in her step. The woman running the playgroup said she did fine. There was another boy there who looked like he had probably cried the entire time. He looked so sad. That is what I had prepared for.

Once again I underestimated my Lucy. Now I am seeing that it is time for me to let go as much as she has. I have to trust in others if I want Lucy's world to get a little bigger. I don't regret my decision to stay home. It was a big adjustment for me, must bigger than I had ever anticipated. Literally one day my life was my own and then all of a sudden my life was Lucy. For every parent it is different. Some people choose to go to work because they want to. Some people go to work when have have a child because they have to. Some people stay home. To each his own, I feel very fortunate that I am able to stay home - even if it means waiting a few more years to buy a house.

Now with Josh I'm trying to keep my perspective and let go more than I did with Lucy. I need to find a balance between caring for and smothering my children. Next year Lucy will start pre-school a few days a week and she'll grow even more. It is such a god-awful cliche, but I really do wonder what the future has in store for her.